Most of us expect that we would eventually get past trauma after a certain amount of time, we expected that pain will eventually go away once medication is taken, and that that there is a quick solution somewhere that will help us to get rid of the things that shake us. Whether disease, physical ailment, death, trauma, or emotional assaults we all recognize none of these resolve in just one night, in fact a week, a month, a year, sometimes a lifetime is too short, but it can get easier and it can get better.
I found out two days ago that my spirit was still healing from loss, when I think of loss my mind automatically goes to death, which I haven’t experienced recently, but then I think of two things that completely changed my life, my loss of self and my loss of an amazing friendship. Even though the ending was in line with what was necessary for my spiritual growth, the shoot the shit friendship that existed is unlikely to continue. At first I tried to cope, thinking of everything else that could take my mind off the breakup but then I realized about a year and half later, that I needed to heal, and from healing came the realization that the end was best and this experience was necessary. Through healing I can mourn on occasion knowing that there is an end to it, but had I just coped, I wouldn’t be able to see such a thing.
The second biggest tragedy was the loss of myself, this happened over several years in fact, I still remember coming out of my first long term relationship feeling like I lost my laugh, that genuine laugh a child has. I was only acceptable when I played the part of the mature girlfriend and honestly sex does not make you mature. Eventually I continued to grow with people who nurtured my spirit and had amazing experiences with, but then as I got further into the seriousness of life, working towards the career goal we all dream of, little bits of me escaped because the real me could not identify with the pressure of the dead end future. It wasn’t until I worked with the school board that I saw myself completely escape me, I noticed that the joy of helping people was far removed once in an institution. While I thought I was in a position to make change, I discovered three years later that it doesn’t matter what age, big institutions change you and very few times will the opposite be true. It wouldn’t have been enough for me to commit the rest of my life to being in a place where I was not allowed to embody my higher self at all times, I found it difficult and even trivial to be happy, and eventually I was telling myself a story to justify waking up daily and going to work.
Now 8 months after I resigned, I find myself reading old journals and poems I wrote to cope with being in the job, realizing all throughout I had never healed the separation that took my spirit outside of me, in fact I just continued to cope, seeing no end to the misery that had become me. Till I stepped away I could not heal and now I do. The years between 18 – 30 of becoming what I didn’t want to be and seeing glimpses of who I was meant to be are now coming together in this story that doesn’t end in tragedy. I remind you that healing is not an overnight sensation, a doctor can’t prescribe pills for this level of dissatisfaction, and the anxiety and pains that come with its rapture. Respect for the process is ultimately the best thing we can do, people may expect you to be perfect because they continued coping and the suffering hasn’t taken them down yet. But we see it over and over, crippling times hit as we get older, and things you thought were over, just manifest in our bodies, heart pains, and painful shoulders. Without ridding ourselves of this boulder it would be hard to cope if you know it will never be over. So accept that your process takes times and give it the time you need healing isn’t an overnight sensation, because it takes time to uproot all the weeds.