I had to ask myself this the other day when I found myself refusing to drive Uber knowing there was no other source of income coming in. I sat with my sorrows, I invited guilt to my table and opened the door for shame knowing and feeling like I was the only one to blame. It was devastating to think all these options out there and I can’t find myself with one, but yet I know and I am well aware that I have all the skills it would take to land any job I truly want but yet I haven’t sent out more than two resumes.
I’ve arrived at this place by many choices of mine, oddly none have to do with quitting my career job as most would think. It had everything to do with foreseeing my luck run out with the influx of checks that were timed ever so perfectly and the lack of discipline to force myself to shut up and drive; not only drive, but shut up and try. Bring back the work ethic that existed when I did work for someone else.
Rock bottom appeared to be the direction I was going in, I was choosing inaction vs action because action meant a little more work at the time, I choose to sleep-in instead of wake-up because my life was much better in the dream world. I was building a habit of not doing what would keep me at my best, making these choices to do nothing even easier. All the things I have from material wealth to my spirit, I risked losing since it would be even harder to find them once reaching rock bottom. Visualize this, each spiral downward, the spirit abandons the body for safety in the light and when you get all the way down to the lowest point, consider yourself trying to piece together who you are with very little lights. Rock bottom is the place where it doesn’t get any worse and the habits created become a lot harder to break out of, so that is not a place you want to be by choice!
The other day I had a dream after pondering on this for a bit. I was with my best friend in New York City walking along a skinny boardwalk that passed closely over a murky, muddy, light brown body of water. You couldn’t see the bottom at all, but oddly we weren’t scared as I’d normally be around water since I’m not a good swimmer. As we walked along it my best friend jumped in as if something had fell and she could go and retrieve it, and then I jumped in on the opposite side without any reason whatsoever. I remember specifically feeling and knowing that I didn’t want to feel the bottom or know how deep it was so I kept my feet fairly high while treading the water. I started feeling a strong current pulling me away from the boardwalk but I kept treading and doggy paddled toward the boardwalk till I got back on.
I woke up feeling really sad about the dream thinking about my fear of water, how muddy and unclear it was for the next couple of hours, but then at around 2 pm in the afternoon it hit me! The dream was showing me that I’m currently in the process of choosing not to hit rock bottom and choosing not to go there even though I’ve made a choice to jump into a situation where I can’t seem to maneuver well (water) and yet with the current (negative feelings) pulling me away from the path I actually jumped right back on the boardwalk to continue along on my journey. This dream reinforced the message that I have a choice to avoid hitting the bottom if I want to and so I must ask you are you making the same choice or are you waiting to hit rock bottom?